mournful unfitting: "Can't we just have a purely physical relationship?"

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

"Can't we just have a purely physical relationship?"

Sex in Marriage Sexual problems are common in many relationships. This section is for discussions about sexuality. Please limit discussions to those asking for help with a problem and those offering advice. Any other threads may be deleted.

Today, 02:55 AM

? #1 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Sep 2012

Posts: 174

My husband asked me this last night before we had sex. The quick background is, we've been going through a lot. Or, I've been going through a lot in the relationship. He's done things that have left me feeling abandoned (the usual things mostly, not meeting needs, love busting, and then some unusual things like saying insane things, neglecting the kids, and lying constantly). I've continued to have sex with him even though I'm not feeling any desire because I want to make this work.

So last night he asks me that question, and I just feel utterly defeated. He's so immature and self-centered, I don't think he even gets that I have feelings or feels any obligation to give me what I need. As long as I'm cooking dinner, cleaning, raising the kids, and giving him sex twice a week, things are perfect as far as he's concerned. But how can things be perfect if I'm in so much pain? I feel like he just doesn't care.

I've told him this, we've talked. None of it seems to make an impression on him. I tried writing, no response. I've bought and read so many of the books recommended here, and he'll read maybe 20 pages and then quit. When we talk, he says he does care and he'll start showing me, but the actions say otherwise. He doesn't even try for a few weeks and then revert back. He never even tries!

Ugh, if it weren't for the kids, I'd give up. Do you guys have any advice??

Today, 06:51 AM

? #5 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Nov 2010

Location: Canada

Posts: 3,295

Quote:

I want him to care about how I feel, both physically and emotionally. I want him to care about our family and have goals and ideas. I want him to give the kids energy and attention, without me having to initiate every positive interaction for him.

We've seen a few professionals to try to figure out what's going on with him (a neurological illness was suspected at first), but the doctor who did his testing said it looks like a maturity issue to her, not a cognitive one, and she referred us to marriage counseling.

I just don't know how to fix it. How do you make a 38 year old grow up??

So, how did the marriage counselling go?

You can want those things till the cows come home, but I suspect he doesn't give a flying fig about that. And that's what you can expect to continue to see from him. Your choices are to accept the way things are, or start making changes to improve the situation.

Today, 08:12 AM

? #8 (permalink)

Member

Join Date: Sep 2012

Posts: 174

I've been afraid that if I stopped having sex with him, that would be an unhealthy way getting his attention. It seems like it goes against all the advice I've read online. But, the sex does feel me leaving resentful, and if there's any chance cutting it off would be a wake up call, I'll take it.

Happysnappy, I feel exactly like I'm bashing my head against a wall. It's awful.

PBear, I get what you're saying. I've spent 3 years having heart to hearts, crying, and asking for changes. We haven't started counseling (together) yet. He went once without me, then cancelled the next session when I told him I wanted to come. We're in his home country right now and I don't speak the language, so I'm kind of dependent on him for setting that up.

I know I look like a total doormat in this situation. I'm just really hesitant to put my foot down because of the kids. And out of fear... I'm not prepared to actually leave him, so I don't want to put it on the table. As it stands, he knows I'll put up with this until the kids are big, so I think he has little motivation to change. I think I need to get myself into a place where I am willing to leave, even though I don't want to. That requires me valuing my happiness over a stable family for my kids, and I'm just not sure I can do it. Well that's not exactly right... I'm very happy with every area of my life except my marriage. So it feels like if I were to leave, or seriously allow myself to consider leaving, then I'm valuing my happiness in a relationship with a man over my kids' happiness.

Today, 09:49 AM

? #9 (permalink)

Registered User

Join Date: Dec 2012

Location: Kentucky

Posts: 16

Quote:

So last night he asks me that question, and I just feel utterly defeated.

Ugh, if it weren't for the kids, I'd give up. Do you guys have any advice??

Not much to say, your husband sounds selfish, but we are only hearing one side. He sounds like he wants a FWB that keeps his house clean and food on the table, that is a relationship, just not very emotional or meaningful.

Ask him if that is what he wants can you get a FWB outside of your home, that may start him thinking. After you mention that tell him you think you two need to seek counseling.

Good luck, sounds like a long term struggle.